Newsletter #8
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Hare–Raising Adventures
8th Edition, November 11th, 2000

I apologize that this is so late — it was originally a little late, but I wrote out a little list of what I was going to write about (not an outline, for I hate and despise outlines, merely a list), but then I lost it, and I spent a day or two looking for it. I then just gave up and wrote another one, but I lost that one too — I found it a couple days ago, but was hindered in my literary career by being forced to do school at all hours of the day, so I am finally now sitting down with the time and the list, so I shall try to commence in chronological order.

The first thing of any interest that happened to me last month was a book discussion “club” on Saturday that Mom signed me up for at the library, which meets roughly every two months. We all are supposed to converse about the book we were to read. While the book we were discussing was interesting, some of the people hadn’t even finished the book, and others didn’t seem to understand the plot at all (it was the second book in a series, and we had read the first during the summer, so some people who hadn’t been there in the summer had to read the second before the first). Undaunted by these challenges, the librarian who was there to maintain order and come up with good questions for us managed to satisfy all the troubled souls. Some people though, did have intelligent questions or hypotheses. I liked it, but was astounded that someone could admit without shame that they hadn’t even finished the book.

The next day, after church, Mom, Dad, Ben, Pete, Dan, and some people of another family from church: Sarah, Rachel, Becky, Elizabeth, and Joseph, and, of course, I went to one of these now infamous corn mazes — mazes that are cut out of large corn fields. Steve stayed home, because he claimed not to be feeling well. After a half an hour of wandering around in the maze, with various people breaking away from the main group, then rejoining, hitting dead ends, informing the others of that piece of data (day–ta, not dah–ta), everyone except I escaped from the great labyrinth, and they were in the process of sending back a foray into the great entanglement to find me, but were thwarted in their efforts by my appearance at that moment. Dad went back with Ben, and the rest of us watched people slinging water balloons at various targets — Mom bought some, and Becky and Elizabeth attempted to hit the pumpkins and scarecrow, but with no success. After we left, we went to an ice cream store, and Mom bought us ice cream cones, which we then proceeded to eat outside. After that, we returned the Plowmans to their house, came home, and had supper. After our meal, we went to evening church.

Last month a thing of great importance happened — I foretold of it in my last newsletter… I got my braces. It was a really strange feeling, having all that stuff in my mouth; it felt like those times when the dentist numbs your mouth, and it feels like you have huge fat lips and everyone notices, but when you look at your mouth in the mirror, and it is normal. After a day or two, my teeth stopped aching, and after a week and a half, I could eat most foods again, albeit with some pain. The most painful part about getting braces was that the lower braces jabbed my lower lip, but by now I am used to it. Now all I just have to do is make sure that I don’t have large chunks of food stuck in the braces. While the Orthodontic assistant tried to convince me to get a more exotic color than Silver (I originally wanted clear, but she convinced me that they can discolor easily), I stuck to my choice, since I would rather have a color I know I don’t care about for five or six months, than one I realize I do not like, for five or six months. I might venture to try some other color at a later date — they change the colored parts every time you go in. I might go for something like hot pink :).

The weekend after I got my braces (I got them on Monday, the 24th) was rather wild, since Mom and Peter were going to Baltimore to visit my prodigal brother, out enjoying the luxuries of the sinful world, spending his money frivolously, and so on. It was also Halloween, and Steve, Ben, and I had been invited to go Trick–or–Treating with the Plowmans (which we accepted), and I decided that I would attempt something innovative, considering that I had gone as a blind ghost for that past three years, and my fearsome attire was the less terrible for the large brown blotches on it, which it had acquired as a drop cloth for staining bookcases (Steve and Ben eventually settled on a terrorist and a lion, respectively). In the end, after many hours of hard work and perseverance, this is what I came up with: I would be a representative of the International History Preservation Society and Guinea Pigs Everywhere, also being Sage’s campaign manager — due to a lack of supporters for either cause, I had to distribute the leaflets myself. Here are the samples.

The International History Preservation Society
and Guinea Pigs Everywhere

Guinea pigs

Guinea pigs originated in the area of the Inca empire and were eaten as food, in addition to being kept as domesticated pets. The Inca name for guinea pigs is Cui, and the guinea pig, along with the Llama, was the only animal to be domesticated by the Incas. There is much dispute as to where the name originated. Here are a few ideas: Guinea might have stuck because they were shipped from Guyana, or that they were sold for a guinea in England. Pig may have originated because of its cylindrical body, or the grunting noises it makes. While the wild ancestor of the modern domesticated guinea pig was of a grayish color, with a smooth coat, many varieties now exist. In modern times, the guinea pig has been mainly used in scientific laboratories for experimentation in possible cures for diseases that might affect humans. Guinea pigs make great pets, since they are larger than mice, gerbils, and hamsters, while smaller than rabbits; they cannot jump very high, and they cannot squeeze themselves into very tight places, so if they escape, they are relatively easy to find. They become easily tame, and rarely bite or scratch. The guinea pig that I brought with me this night was a male Abyssinian, with tan and black broad stripes. I wish to thank you for your generous donation to the cause of the Domestic Guinea pig and the International History Preservation Society. Please join me next year, for my documentary on the Tanzanian Tsetse fly.

A New Kind of President!

Vote for Presidential candidate Sage in the upcoming Elections on November 7! Sage represents the Technology Advancement Party, and his vice–presidential pick is Cinder, the large rabbit. They both understand your needs, and will work toward cutting taxes across the board, while increasing the pubic education level greatly and providing government funds for seniors who cannot afford to buy their own medication. Other goals of theirs are to cancel the national debt, restore peace in the Middle East, and prevent war with China and Taiwan. An enthusiastic supporter of Sage and Cinder said this: “We need to get these domestic animals into the Oval Office. A guinea pig will really change the way things work there.” And here we have a quote from Sage: “I promise to try never to lie, cheat or steal from the American people, and will do my best to fulfill my promises, and will try to increase cruelty prevention for animals all across the country. Grass for everyone!” And last but not least, we have a quote from an opposing passerby, who says he is voting for the guy at K–Mart: “Guinea pigs was never meant for places in the government — they was meant for food… Food for me! Destroy the Environment, one tree at a time!” Competing presidential candidates vice–president Al Gore and Governor George Bush exclaimed “We will band together, Democrat and Republican, to make sure this menace does not achieve the presidency — it would destroy the United States of America as we know it. Sage must NOT become president! We have already sent petitions to Ralph Nader [Green Party Presidential candidate] and Pat Buchanan [Reform Party Presidential candidate] to joins us in our pact to prevent Sage from reaching this warped goal of his.” Just remember, Vote for Sage and Cinder — they understand and are working for your needs and wants! 

I added to the effect by taking Sage along with me while I went Trick–or–Treating, although I doubt he saw the humor in it. While Trick or Treating, there were three interesting episodes — the first was when I put Sage down (I was carrying him in a little cage that Dad had constructed, with my supervision) near a bush, and he escaped out of his supposedly escape proof cage into the near shrubbery. Fortunately, it was still light out, so we managed to catch him fairly easily, but it added some excitement to the air. The second interesting thing was when a lady handing out candy noticed that I had a guinea pigs with me, and exclaimed that they did too, did I want to see it? I, caught off guard, just said “Umm… Ok,” revealing the great intellectual and conversational side of my nature, and, sure enough, they had a cute black guinea pig with one white stripe. I guess I should have followed the age old rule about not going anywhere anyone who offers me candy wants me to go, but I thought this would be a worthy exception. The last incident was towards the end of our trek, and it happened at a house where four or five fifteen to seventeen year olds were handing out candy, and I handed out one of my pamphlets, as I had to every other house. One of them noticed that I was carrying something, and when informed that it was a guinea pig, he thought that was so cool that he gave me another couple pieces of candy, much to the indignation of my companions. Unlike Stephen, and defying the expectations of my parents, I did not eat all my candy the first two days, and be sick for the rest of the week (although I don’t know how Mom and Dad ever expected that to happen, since as far as I can remember, I have never gulped it all down).

On the 27th Peter’s Physics class had its pumpkin launch. Pete’s team was one of the few that actually didn’t break the pumpkin, although it did not go too far, either. The ones that did the best (as far as I could tell) were the ones that used counter weights, instead of some elastic material, such as bungee cords. The contraption that was the most memorable was also one of the last — it was a large PVC tube that they shoved a cylindrical pumpkin into, and then used some sort of flammable substance to shoot it more than ten times the distance of the second farthest one. It didn’t win though, since the pumpkin had a crack in it, thus disqualifying it.

Mom had signed Steve, Dad, and me up to see a play called James and the Giant Peach — it was really meant for kid s more like Stephen’s age or lower, but I will give Mom the benefit of the doubt, and assume that she did not know that. There were so many inconsistencies that I think it would have been better to make it into a spoof. Wasn’t there a movie that was out with the same name a while ago?

That pretty much sums my month… This is not including all the usual things — school, Master’s Academy, Baby sitting, Church, and so on. Next month the only things that I can see are Mom’s birthday, and Thanksgiving, and Mom says we might not have anyone over for Thanksgiving — what a strange feeling that will be. So it looks like an uneventful month, but you know how these things always end up with the Green household — chaos. Upon reflection, I realize that four–man chess season is coming up, with the church choir rehearsals starting now… I guess I’ll more on that topic in my Next newsletter — Until then, I hope you enjoyed this and have a pleasant month. 

Disclaimer, Copyright, Notes from the Editor.

Disclaimer: Everything here is complete truth, nothing exaggerated, in fact, this is the epitome of all wisdom; if you have a problem with that, you will have to speak to my lawyers: Sage and Cinderella. Sage does the smooth talking, and if that doesn’t succeed, Cinder beats you up (this is not an idle threat — Cinder has been know to hospitalize people who have labeled her with degrading names, or insulting her appearance). Or you can call me at any at 911 (I had to pay a lot of money to get a only a three digit phone number instead of a ten digit one) 

Copyright: every word in this E–mail is copyrighted, even the misspelled ones, so if you want to copy it, slide ten US dollars worth of Mongolian stamps in a plain white envelope under my door at 3:48 AM and my guardian hedgehogs will send a permission slip to copy the section labeled Disclaimer, Copyright, Notes from the Editor, in the mail thirteen days later at your home address, unless you are a wandering vagrant vagabond gypsy, in which case, you shouldn’t be on my newsletter anyway. 

Note From the Editor: If you have any suggestions, corrections, or problems, please, come to me! you can E–mail me at 

–~Snowshoe Hare~–
–~Christopher Green~–

*Here Endehth The Newsletter*